PEOPLE YOU WANT TO AVOID AT CONCERTS
I’ve been to a lot of concerts. Dave Matthews Band (Leroi R.I.P.), Coldplay, U2, The Eagles, MuteMath, EBE Crew. But no matter where you go, who you go with, or who you go to see, there are always those people that you see and you know that if you’re going to enjoy this concert, you need to be as far away from them as possible. I’ve seen ’em all, but here are my Great 8.
1. The Guy Who Tapes the Entire Show – While it used to be just a tape recorder and something small that fits in a shirt pocket, today this guy has upgraded to a video camera. Always hoping for that classic YouTube moment like the dude from Nickelback getting hit in the head with a bottle or Bono falling off stage, he holds his camera high and with pride. And out of all of the “guys” on this list, he’s the most tolerable…until the light on his camera distracts you and all of Section E during the song you’ve been waiting all night to hear.
2. The Karaoke Superstar – This person knows every song. And when I say “knows” I mean sort of recognizes the tune a little bit if you give them a second to think about it. But just like with bad karaoke (is there good karaoke?) the person chooses to belt out songs that he doesn’t even know and really only gets about every third word, maybe. Each song is usually preceded by a “Oh, I LOVE this song…” and then it turns into something like, “Lights wi-…………….YOU home. And indi-…………phone. I……….FIX YOU! Woo!”
3. The Little Kid Who Has No Idea Where He Is or Who He’s Listening To – This is the kid you always wanted to be, but now that you’re out of college and had to save for 3 years to go to this show, you secretly hate him. He walks around in the $45 shirt and the $28 hat that his dad bought him, but you know full well the kid doesn’t even know one band member’s name, let alone all the words to every song they ever wrote (like you, of course.) And no matter how hard you try to avoid this kid, he always seems to be in front of you, ordering a bigger pop or a cooler keychain, and even though you hate him, you still kind of wish you were him.
4. The Loud Talker – This person is probably the most oblivious person in the entire place. He is almost always talking about something unrelated to the concert and it’s at the absolute WORST time. The band has gone off stage and the lead singer has come out by himself for an acoustic encore. You’re trying to guess what it will be and as soon as the first note is played, you hear behind you something like, “Hey, have you seen The Fugitive? I know it came out awhile ago, but I just saw it and liked it a lot! That Tommy Lee Jones…” You’re torn because you want to hear the song, but you also want to punch this dude in the face.
5. The Aisle Dancer – This guy is pretty desperate for attention. Apparently his mom never looked when he shouted for her before he jumped off the swings, so now he wants to make sure no one will ever ignore him again, ever. He never really dances with any rhythm, or connection to the music, it’s mostly just a back and forth motion. The dead giveaway that you’ve spotted one of these guys is that about every 2 minutes, he slowly looks around to see if anyone is watching him. Sorry dude, but the only person watching you is me, and I’m laughing on the inside.
6. The Know-it-All – This guy isn’t a stranger. Sadly, he probably came with you. On the ride up, he told you about all his albums and how long he’s liked the band. He’s rattled off all of these obscure (which is code for “terrible”) songs that only he would know and then acts smugly surprised when you say, “I’ve never heard of that song.” He shows tendancies of the “Loud Talker” as he tells you all the random facts about the song you’re straining to listen to or the song you just heard and then complains because “…they’re not going to do anything off of their first album, which is by FAR the best. My favorite song is ________, but they probably won’t play it. It’s pretty obscure.”
7. The Wanderer – This guy is hard to spot. He’s usually slow, and is in no particular hurry to go anywhere. You may even see him and think nothing of it. But as soon as you realize that he’s just wandering for wandering’s sake, he’s a distraction. He more than likely came by himself, so he’s not tethered to any particular area or seat, so he is everywhere, because he can be. And no matter where you are or where he is, you can see him. And even though it’s you’re favorite song and you paid $210 just to hear it, all you can do is follow this guy up and down the aisle.
8. The Constant Stander – (**Does not apply if it’s an SRO event) He’s probably trying to show that he’s a true fan. I mean, a true fan stands up for every song, right? Not necessarily. You can spot this guy because he’s not singing, he’s not clapping, he’s not even swaying a little bit. He’s standing there, arms folded, like he’s listening to a lecture on grout removal. He’s trying way too hard to compensate for the fact that he’s really not a fan at all. And then after staring at the back of his head all night, you realize that he’s really a fan of ticking off the actual fans.
Did I miss any? Who have you seen at concerts that you should avoid?