I’ve been compiling a list of open letters to certain common nouns that I feel once they are written, sent, read, and put into IMMEDIATE action, everyone’s lives (especially mine) will be a little more bearable.
…Giant Face-Tattoo Guy – Please don’t act offended when I stare at your giant tattoo on your face; you have a giant tattoo on your FACE!
…Radio Shack – Just because you sort of changed your name to the seemingly much hipper and cooler “The Shack”, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still America’s #1 supplier of 3rd rate electronics.
…Lady At Wendy’s Who Shakes Her Salad for Adequate Dressing Coverage – I think 53 seconds of solid shaking should just about do it.
…Guy Picking His Nose in His Car – I can see you, please stop.
…Starbucks – McDonalds, Applebees, and Payless (will soon) have free wifi and yet I have to pay for it at your place. Stop acting like you invented both the double mocha latte AND wireless internet.
…Jason Derulo – You really don’t have to say your name at the beginning of all your songs. I can tell its your song because of the over-processed vocals, trite lyrics, and overall lack of creativity.
…Rest of the American Idol Judges – Hate to say it, but nobody cares what you think or say. Simon is the show and when he leaves, there will be no show. Start proofing your resumes.
…Creflo Dollar – I’m really not trying to judge you or anything, I’m just saying that it’s kind of hard to take you seriously as a pastor when your last name is “Dollar.”
…Guy Who Follows Me In A 15 Passenger Van So Closely That I Can’t Even See Your Bumper – You just bought yourself another 5 miles per hour under the speed limit.