Great 8

PEOPLE YOU WANT TO AVOID AT CONCERTS

I’ve been to a lot of concerts. Dave Matthews Band (Leroi R.I.P.), Coldplay, U2, The Eagles, MuteMath, EBE Crew. But no matter where you go, who you go with, or who you go to see, there are always those people that you see and you know that if you’re going to enjoy this concert, you need to be as far away from them as possible. I’ve seen ’em all, but here are my Great 8.

1. The Guy Who Tapes the Entire Show – While it used to be just a tape recorder and something small that fits in a shirt pocket, today this guy has upgraded to a video camera. Always hoping for that classic YouTube moment like the dude from Nickelback getting hit in the head with a bottle or Bono falling off stage, he holds his camera high and with pride. And out of all of the “guys” on this list, he’s the most tolerable…until the light on his camera distracts you and all of Section E during the song you’ve been waiting all night to hear.

2. The Karaoke Superstar – This person knows every song. And when I say “knows” I mean sort of recognizes the tune a little bit if you give them a second to think about it. But just like with bad karaoke (is there good karaoke?) the person chooses to belt out songs that he doesn’t even know and really only gets about every third word, maybe. Each song is usually preceded by a “Oh, I LOVE this song…” and then it turns into something like, “Lights wi-…………….YOU home. And indi-…………phone. I……….FIX YOU! Woo!”

3. The Little Kid Who Has No Idea Where He Is or Who He’s Listening To – This is the kid you always wanted to be, but now that you’re out of college and had to save for 3 years to go to this show, you secretly hate him. He walks around in the $45 shirt and the $28 hat that his dad bought him, but you know full well the kid doesn’t even know one band member’s name, let alone all the words to every song they ever wrote (like you, of course.) And no matter how hard you try to avoid this kid, he always seems to be in front of you, ordering a bigger pop or a cooler keychain, and even though you hate him, you still kind of wish you were him.

4. The Loud Talker – This person is probably the most oblivious person in the entire place. He is almost always talking about something unrelated to the concert and it’s at the absolute WORST time. The band has gone off stage and the lead singer has come out by himself for an acoustic encore. You’re trying to guess what it will be and as soon as the first note is played, you hear behind you something like, “Hey, have you seen The Fugitive? I know it came out awhile ago, but I just saw it and liked it a lot! That Tommy Lee Jones…” You’re torn because you want to hear the song, but you also want to punch this dude in the face.

5. The Aisle Dancer – This guy is pretty desperate for attention. Apparently his mom never looked when he shouted for her before he jumped off the swings, so now he wants to make sure no one will ever ignore him again, ever. He never really dances with any rhythm, or connection to the music, it’s mostly just a back and forth motion. The dead giveaway that you’ve spotted one of these guys is that about every 2 minutes, he slowly looks around to see if anyone is watching him. Sorry dude, but the only person watching you is me, and I’m laughing on the inside.

6. The Know-it-All – This guy isn’t a stranger. Sadly, he probably came with you. On the ride up, he told you about all his albums and how long he’s liked the band. He’s rattled off all of these obscure (which is code for “terrible”) songs that only he would know and then acts smugly surprised when you say, “I’ve never heard of that song.” He shows tendancies of the “Loud Talker” as he tells you all the random facts about the song you’re straining to listen to or the song you just heard and then complains because “…they’re not going to do anything off of their first album, which is by FAR the best. My favorite song is ________, but they probably won’t play it. It’s pretty obscure.”

7. The Wanderer – This guy is hard to spot. He’s usually slow, and is in no particular hurry to go anywhere. You may even see him and think nothing of it. But as soon as you realize that he’s just wandering for wandering’s sake, he’s a distraction. He more than likely came by himself, so he’s not tethered to any particular area or seat, so he is everywhere, because he can be. And no matter where you are or where he is, you can see him. And even though it’s you’re favorite song and you paid $210 just to hear it, all you can do is follow this guy up and down the aisle.

8. The Constant Stander(**Does not apply if it’s an SRO event) He’s probably trying to show that he’s a true fan. I mean, a true fan stands up for every song, right? Not necessarily. You can spot this guy because he’s not singing, he’s not clapping, he’s not even swaying a little bit. He’s standing there, arms folded, like he’s listening to a lecture on grout removal. He’s trying way too hard to compensate for the fact that he’s really not a fan at all. And then after staring at the back of his head all night, you realize that he’s really a fan of ticking off the actual fans.

Did I miss any? Who have you seen at concerts that you should avoid?

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20 Comments

Filed under Great 8, Life, Music, Observations

20 responses to “Great 8

  1. The drunk/stoned/tripping frat boys who don’t actually realize they’re even at a concert.

  2. I was just at the Rascal Flatts show at Crew Stadium last Saturday (amazing show!!!), so I fell as if I need to add another person to this list. How about “Constantly Tries to Start the Wave” Guy? I think you know who I’m talking about!

  3. Thomas

    anyone who goes to a Rascal Flatts concert.

  4. old and in they way

    How about the guy who shouts out a response to everything the lead singer says to the crowd between songs. It is usually only a problem in the smaller venues.

    Tyler, I like the frat boys. I was sitting behind a group a few years ago when one of them threw up everywhere before passing out. It stunk so bad that I complained to an usher and was rewarded with 6th row center seats.

  5. frank

    those who pay for tickets to a GA show, and bitch and moan about not being able to find a good seat. it’s general admission! if you wanted a good spot, you should have left your cheesy tapas or martini bar a bit earlier.

  6. i have a couple…the people who try and be hilarious and yell when its quiet enough for everyone to hear them…(at a hardcore show) the people in “the pit” that intentionally run/hit/mosh into people not in “the pit”, people who are there and not even paying attention-why are they there to begin with? and people who go to see one out of the 3 bands and make it known that theyre only their for that one band and the other ones suck…

  7. Brian

    These 3 apply more to club/SRO shows, but:

    1. The No-Shirt Guy

    You get this the closer you are to the mosh area, where you end up pressed up against the bare, sweaty back of a random dude.

    2. The “Everywhere is a Mosh Pit” dude

    You can generally avoid the moshing if you want by standing further back from the stage, but this dude decides wherever HE is, he’s going to mosh or do the “mosh circle” bodychecking, even if he’s at the back of the venue.

    3. The Clutching Your Girlfriend Dude

    I know you’re so in love, but your death grip on your girlfriend – who always seems to be <5'0" and giving evil eyes to all around her – is stopping anyone else from getting around you while you wish it was assigned seating instead of standing-room-only.

    4. The Beer Transporter

    Obviously trying to combine a love of moshing with a love of beer, this guy will attempt to transport 2 beers – and it's always 2 or more – from the bar at the back to the heart of the mosh area. I can only assume the second beer is intended as a backup when then first ends up on your back, which is inevitiable.

    5. The Fat Bodysurfer

    This always has the effectiveness of jumping off a box with no one around. No one can or wants to catch you, but at least you provided some laughs for anyone not crushed beneath you.

  8. Aimee

    How about the people that insist on basically having sex in the seats in front of you? Of course, neither can be even marginally attractive which would at least make it borderline fun…

  9. Tom

    The Cell Phone Talker. I attended the Eagles concert earlier this year. Four 20-somethings sat on the row behind me. Every one of them talked loudly on his or her cell phone non-stop until three other attendees and I each told them shut up . They actually only stopped when a very large guy sitting behind them “offered” to take their cell phones from them.

  10. Joe

    So then what the heck are you supposed to do at a concert. You just about made fun of everything one might do at a concert.

  11. Joe

    Also, I hate the comments made about frat boys. I didn’t go to a fraternity in college but had friends who did and they weren’t total douche bags. Some were, but most just joined because they threw good parties and it really was good social networking. It seems to me that anyone who is white, and looks to keep themselves in halfway decent shape is considered a frat boy. God forbid three guys who got seats together look like they are having fun. I guess instead we should wear some vintage shirts, dark clothing, or mope about like we’re miserable. Just a thought. By the way can’t wait for the four shows of Pearl Jam at the Spectrum.

  12. Scott

    Rascal Flats – is that the JC Penney commercial band. They’re a real band? Now that’s funny!

  13. Al

    Wow… thought this was funnier when I read it on Cracked.com

  14. dojo

    I hate the people that only talk about other shows they’ve been to when they are at a show…and being stuck in line next to them.

  15. scott

    was between stage and front row at dylan show..people in front row were cool about it but one guy kept standing..i was like dude, we’re in front of the first row and theres noone in fron, try and relax and he was like ITS FOR DYLAN MAN…ITS FOR DYLAN…after a few songs bobby undoes his harmonica from the holder and theres a scrum, with me and the guy the last two holding it…i ripped it out of his hand…he was saying you hurt my thumd…i said dude, ITS FOR DYLAN…oh was that fun

  16. Tommy J

    Or the person you are with who decides to leave to get more beer/restroom right at the high point of the concert, during the best 3 songs, and remains gone for 45 minutes. When returning, asked what they missed, and then tells you about the beer line. Oh , wait, thats called my wife.

  17. John

    I think it would be better described as the Wasted Wanderer – the guy who is out of his mind walking around the show. You don’t know if he is going to start a fight or throw up on someone…

    And you missed the Queen of all concerts – Drunk Girl. She is fun to be around at the start of the show, sometimes. But by the end, she has either completely passed out, fallen down, or gotten into a fight. She is always loud and yelling. And she is at nearly every show.

  18. Sam

    1. Drunk frat brothers who try to pick a fight with you for no reason when you’re trying to enjoy the show with your girl.

    2. The slow aisle walker — who you ALWAYS end up behind when you’re trying to make a quick dash to the bathroom. Your one minute trip turns into eight and a half, and your favorite song begins with Sunday driver holding up the procession.

  19. B. Nell

    The “t-shirt fan”.

    For some reason I can’t stand those that are wearing a brand new shirt of the band they are seeing.
    Wearing a shirt of the artist to the concert you go to is a big “faux-paux”.

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