Great 8


*Not that any of them would ever think of trying out

In “honor” of the 8th season of American Idol firing back up and giving us hours and hours of try-out “performances”, I thought I would take a look at some of the musical icons that wouldn’t have a chance of going anywhere on American Idol. And I bet they wouldn’t have it any other way.

8. Brian Johnson (AC/DC) – His growl/scream would have no place on this show. It would be met with Randy looking around, speechless while Paula hid under the table sipping from her Coca-Cola cup. Simon would be somewhat entertained at Brian’s stage presence, but ultimately be turned off by his inability to understand more than 3 words that he was singing.

7. Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) – One of the original “chin-out singers” (named for the necessity to stick your chin out as you sing to sound like them), Vedder would no doubt try to stare down Simon as he sang all the while trying to prove that he didn’t care what they thought about him. Paula would try to make a nice comment about his flannel shirt and Randy would just say, “It’s a ‘no’ for me, dude.”

6. Tom Petty (and the Heartbreakers) – This guy definitely doesn’t look the part. I’m not sure which song he would sing, but I think I would go with either, “Here Comes My Girl” or “Refugee.” These are two of his more particularly “whiny” songs and I think would wow the judges. Wow them in a way like, “Wow, my ears are bleeding a little bit, but that chorus was really catchy.”

5. Roger Daultrey (The Who) – With one of the most powerful voices on this list (see “We Don’t Get Fooled Again” or “The Seeker”), he would still have some serious trouble proving he could compete with the likes of Clay Aiken or Justin Guarini. He would blow all of them off of their chairs and as they were looking for their pens, Paula would say, “Honey, I’m sorry, but it was a little much for me. Love the hair, though.”

4. Mick Jagger (The Rolling Stones) – As he chicken-struts his way to the place where the contestants stand and sing, the judges would no doubt be a little frightened by what was standing in front of them. The only thing more frightening that being 6 feet from his giant mouth is being 6 feet from the voice that is coming out of his giant mouth. Ed Sullivan may have liked it, but I doubt Simon would.

3. Freddie Mercury (Queen) – The other monster voice on this list would be a little too much for this show. With a voice that is showcased on songs like “We Are the Champions” and “Bohemian Rhapsody”, it would stick out a little bit when they get to “Country Week” or “Jonas Brothers Week.” With just his voice, he wouldn’t have a shot; but his chest hair would put him through to Hollywood.

2. Jimi Hendrix – His voice is more of a shout than anything, and would leave Simon asking, “Have you ever seen the show?” Paula would be a little hung up on his headband and necklace while Randy would utter something about it being “pitchy.” He doesn’t have much breath control and even though it’s unique, we all know that it was his guitar, not his voice that was so enticing. If nothing else, it would be good television.

1. Bob Dylan – He is the the ultimate Anti-American Idol. He has no personality whatsoever and a voice that sounds like he has a clothespin on his nose. Randy would try to be nice, Paula would probably call his harmonica “cute”, and Simon would have to break out the thesaurus to find some more words for “dreadful.” But the best part would be watching Dylan walk out during their comments because he couldn’t care less what they had to say. And that’s why he’s an icon.

Close Calls: Kurt Cobain (Nirvana); Janis Joplin; Joe Cocker; Van Morrison; Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)



Filed under Great 8, Music

4 responses to “Great 8

  1. joshuadavidgraber

    this list is amazing.
    i think you and i share a love of lists. we should collaborate.

  2. Maybe you’ve got something. You can have a spoof Idol… can you imagine the critiques of these videos from the likes of the Idol judges? William Hung, or whatever his name was has nothing on some of these guys… Funny!

  3. Dave Atkins

    Nice to know your vaction wasn’t entirely un-productive!

  4. so this is terribly revealing but I don’t like any of the people mentioned on here except Steven Tyler. This is the official nail in the coffin of me not being cool or knowledgeable and loving pop music.

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