MOVIES I CAN’T BELIEVE I WENT TO SEE IN THEATERS
I have a habit of collecting movie ticket stubs. I have a cup that I just put them in and recently I dumped them out to see which movies I had seen and how far back I could go. As I began looking at them, I realized that I had seen a lot of good movies. But as I kept going, I realized that I also saw a lot of bad ones too. Every movie on this list I have the ticket for and each one is a reminder that sometimes it’s just better to stay home.
8. Anaconda – This movie is on the list because it’s bad. I know that now as a 25 year-old. I didn’t know that when I was in Jr. High. For 13 year-old Josh, it had all the makings of a great movie: a giant snake. That’s all I needed. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the snake looked fake, moved like lightning (Catching a guy by the face out of the air? Come on now), and apparently didn’t like the taste of Jon Voight. While I liked it then and can believe I went to see it, hindsight will tell me to run away from this movie like the CGI snake from which the movie was named.
7. King Arthur – Let me go on record as saying that I still don’t think this movie was that bad. But after talking to some people and hearing their distaste for this movie, I’ve been talked into believing that it deserves to be on the list. I did think that the Guinevere character, played by Kiera Knightley, was completely ridiculous as a tree-dwelling, bow and arrow-toting girl who King Arthur saves from something or other. The action was trite and seemed a little over-done. Lancelot looked like Prince (the singer) carrying a sword and was the guy who actually went on to play Mr. Fantastic in the Fantastic Four movies. The whole time, I just wasn’t sure what I was watching, but I know what I was losing…money.
6. The Haunting – This movie proves that great actors don’t always choose great roles (see: Great 8 Lists of Worst Movie by a Great Actor). Liam Neeson, Owen Wilson (also in “Anaconda”), Catherine Zeta-Jones, and that other lady re-make this already horrible movie and add some special effects, scary bed-post children, and a door to hell (which ironically is just, the door, or something). It’s hard to nail down just what makes this movie so bad, because everything jumps out. Maybe it’s the trite “spend the night in a haunted house” story line that goes along with the “the house is alive” story line. It’s like they just watched a bunch of old Vincent Price movies, picked a couple things, and ran with it. They should have kept running, right to the trash can.
5. Reign of Fire – This was an accident, I promise. My friend and I went to go see Minority Report (amazing), but it wasn’t at the theater anymore. And being the dinosaur lover that I was, I thought this movie looked decent. It had a pre-Batman Christian Bale, and fire-breathing dragons. What could go wrong? Everything. The part I went to see, the dragons destroying civilization, was skimmed over through news clippings and a firey background. Matthew McConaughey was a bald, dragon-hunting psycho who met a rather anti-clamactic and somewhat comedic demise and the whole time that I was watching it, I was thinking to myself, “Uh, what?” When I think about paying money to go see it, again I think, “Uh, what?”
4. The Happening – I’ve been a staunch defender of M. Night, so even when I was hearing negative reviews about this movie, I felt like I could go see it and defend it. False. First of all, it’s his first rated “R” venture and it seemed to be solely for violence (which for the most part seemed excessive and unnecessary). The story was laughable and seemed to be nothing more than an environmental “cautionary tale” which could have been more suited for NBC’s “The More You Know.” I won’t give away what was actually “Happening”, but let me say that if you walk away from the movie and say, “Are you kidding me?”, you’re in good company.
3. Hollow Man – Yikes. This movie had some serious potential and had it not been for it being unwatchable, it might have been something great. Kevin Bacon, Elizabeth Shue, and Josh Brolin explore what happens when a dude becomes invisible (don’t ask me why it’s called “Hollow” Man). So if I can go by this movie, when a dude becomes invisible he: assaults strangers, kills his co-workers and a dog, can survive electrocution and severe burning, and is just kind of a jerk. The only things keeping me in the seat were the digital effects. And after awhile they even looked like a bad Discovery Channel special. Either way, myself and the two guys I was with all agreed that instead of calling it “Hollow Man” it should have been called, “Hollow Movie.”
2. Jeepers Creepers 2 – I don’t watch many “horror” movies. The stories are usually stupid, acting is awful, and the overall movie experience is something like getting an indian-burn on your arm for an hour and a half. The only reason I saw the terrible movie was because a guy that was a Jr. High-er in my youth group when I was in high school had moved to California and landed a part in it. I had no expectations for excellence (or mediocrity, for that matter) and is the only movie on this list that I knew was going to be a disaster before going into the theater. So I guess, from that angle, it is also the only movie that didn’t disappoint.
1. Alexander – Where to begin. First of all, I’ll never take Oliver Stone’s word as an historian. This movie was about 45 minutes too long and seemed to bounce around so much between different views of Alexander the Great that I felt like I had the personality disorder. I could have done without the storyline of Alexander and his male companion (they never said it, but come on). I could have done without Colin Farrell’s blonde wig. I could have done without Rosario Dawson in general. Even the fight scenes seemed like Braveheart of Gladiator rejects and with such an unlikeable main character, you really didn’t care if he died in battle or not. The only consolation that I have is that I got the matinee price to go see it. But I guess that’s like only getting punched in the ear once. It still hurts, just not as much.